Something to ponder upon...

this was sitting in my inbox, forwarded by aishahanim on 22nd march 2005

==================LOVE AND MARRIAGE==================

"If the rate of marriage in a community increases, that community is blessed because it is saved from all sorts of heart-breaking accidents and painful cries."- The first 3 parts are prepared largely from a lecture by Muhammad Al-Shareef at NYU on March 24, 2004.

The insights about love and marriage here are dedicated to all non-married youths, their parents and newly married couples.

THREE TYPES OF LOVE

There are basically three types of love:

(1) Love for Allaah and His Messenger (sallallaahu 'alayhi wa sallam)

(2) Love for Parents, children, siblings etc.

(3) Love for opposite gender.The first type is the highest state of love.

No one else can be more beloved than them. The second one is natural love and it's encouraged. The third type of love is between two non-mahram people, with whom marriage is allowed. This love is a double-sided sword that can be used in fine ways to bring prosperity and happiness or it can be used in horrific ways to bringdisastrous end results.

THINGS THAT BLOCK INITIATING MARRIAGE

1. Money:Most people think that they will need lots of money to get married, whereas Allaah promises to protect the Muslim or Muslimah who gets married to protect themselves and He will enrich them from His boundless provision. A married person is forced to take care of his new spouse and therefore strives to get jobs, in addition to the assistance that the family should provide.

2. Looks:One usually forms the "person of his dream" from TVs, films, or magazines etc. on the basis of looks, but forgets that his beautiful/handsome "person of his dream" is not so beautiful/handsome in real life. They're all covered up under gels, contact lens, cosmetics and many other artificial make-ups. Time, culture, and trend set the standard of beauty and it's always subject to change. Therefore, one's outer look shouldn't be a barrier in discovering his/her inner beauty.

3. Degrees:Students who pursue degrees, which require many years, think that marriage will take away a lot of time and they won't be able to study. In fact, one who spends hours after classes just chit-chatting with friends, will save that time if married because someone else will be more deserving of those hours. That will force one to discipline and manage time more productively. It's proven that unmarried students spend a huge amount of their time with their friends or others just talking or planning about marriage, future, and whatnot. The time that goes into thinking about marriage-fantasy can be actually well spent by getting married for real.There are other reasons at large, but these are the main concerns at individual level. For blockage from family and other outside problems, it's the knowledge, preparation, and determination of the individual that will cope with such obstacles.

SAYING "NO"

When you see someone is following you around and you know that's not theperson you want to end up with, be very clear in saying "NO." Even if it's semi-harsh, it'll work. Otherwise, if you say, "May be/may be not," or "I'll think about it," or "Let's see what happens," you'll be simplyprovoking the person. If you don't have the guts to say it or actually like the person and he approaches, tell him to speak with your parents.

A dignified person would never approach someone personally in this manner anyway. They would go through their guardians/parents and propose the other party. That's where the "walee" or guardians play the role to protect thewomen and to make the right decisions.No matter how much we may disagree, our guardians know what it takes to be a husband and a wife and they want to have the best for you too. Make their experience a positive resource in making such decisions. After all, you're the one with the final authority to agree/disagree in a marriage. This check and balance is absolutely necessary in dealing with such criticaldecision of one's life.

CONSULT WITH THOSE WHO ARE MARRIED

For consultation about marriage, people usually approach their friends, who are in the same trouble as they are in or even worse. Usually they will suggest you things without experience or relate often-heard rumors. Really, do they, the non-married ones, know more than the married ones, about the ins-and-outs of marriage? Approach married people who are honest, righteous, trustworthy, and wise. They'll suggest you better and help you make the right decisions. Don't be afraid to ask. They'll be more than willing to solve the problems that they went through before in their own life. It's observed that knowledgeable youths get married earlier and ithelps them along their married life in making the right decisions and also helping others to do the same.

MAKE A LIST OF CRITERION

Many times, one makes a list of things that he/she wants to see in his/her spouse. The lists are sometimes so unrealistic that no one on Earth would meet the conditions. In making such list, one needs honesty, determination, and good will. Prioritize the aspects according to what you want, don't want, and can't live without. This list should reflect your values, personalities, and goals. The Prophet, sallallaahu 'alayhi wa sallam, said, "A woman is normally sought as a wife for her wealth, her beauty, her nobility, or her deen (religiousness), so choose a religious woman and you will prosper." (Muslim) Similar criteria go for men also in terms of courtesy, honesty, patience, and manhood.

BE THE PERSON YOU WANT TO MARRY

So, what happens after you make a long list? You want a person with, let's say, a dozen different qualities. Now, if someone asks you: "what are you doing to deserve a wife/husband like that?" Do you have an answer? Is the answer satisfactory? If not, you better correct the list not according to whom you want, but according to who you are. If you have a goal, you must work towards it. "Be the person you want to marry" -- the qualities/personalities that you demand, make sure you have them in you first.

LOOK FOR EXCELLENCE, NOT PERFECTION

Perfection is the highest attainable standard, but excellence is the quality of being outstanding and doing better than a given standard. No one's perfect; absolute perfection belongs to Allaah alone. A person who searches for perfection will never get married. [If he looks for a heavenly"Hoor-al-'ayn," he'll have to wait until he dies and hopefully goes to jannah.] So, being absolutely practical, we should separate the pros and cons of a potential spouse and evaluate them to see which side is heavier. Let's not look for perfection, rather, look for excellence.

RESPECT YOURSELF

"If people don't respect themselves, they're not respected by others." There are young people who still behave or dress like first-graders in their twenties. How can he expect that the parents would give their child--one they've been raising with great care for so long--to an immature or irresponsible fool? When it's time, a man has got to be a man and a womanhas got to be a woman.

KING OR QUEEN OF ONE'S HEART

The idea of monogamy and devotion to one person for the rest of one's life is often incomprehensible for many people. After countless dumping by their boyfriends/girlfriends, one's heart longs for "the one" who will be the king or queen of that heart. Unfortunately, they fail to realize that "being just friends," "living together," or "keeping in touch" devastate theirlonely hearts with even more loneliness and suspicion. The boundaries that Islam draws let a married couple live and enjoy their married life as king and queen of each other's hearts. If your can stay within the limits before marriage, you will fulfill life, love, and living with the greatest appreciation after marriage.

ENGAGEMENT

Engagement contract and actual marriage should not be far away from each other. Most engaged people act as if they were married and cross the line. Many times, they talk hours after hours about their lives, plans etc. There will probably be no interest left after marriage; therefore not having the appreciation and patience to listen to one another. All long talks andendless discussions should be saved for marriage and thereafter. Engagement doesn't give you a VIP pass to cross the line.