In search of blue skies

blue skies & starry nights... all i need when i'm sad, when i'm mad or in melancolic mode...
shapes of the clouds would make me smile though sketching on air is not an act i'd rather be seen doing.... yet when nobody's around i'd talk to the moon & stars... longing for an answer
it's easier to ask without expecting one.. coz i know i don't really need it, just when it comes out in word you'd feel it stronger..or how much it matters... i'm so afraid, phobic at certain extend to love because i've been through so many insulting scenarios... i've never told anyone the complete story, thus this is the reason for this page, to tell the tall tale of my life...

there won't be once upon a time... or one day... in my story, it's no fairytale..just a life long experience that might be summarized as a quater of my whole life disasterous love life...yes, only my lovelife is disasterous while other than that have been still water all over. Well might be said as a small beginning? born only 2.25kg, I was small.. but feeding a not-premature baby with premature baby milk was not the right move...she would grew into a giant!

where was i? keep blabberingggg intan...duhai....at school i was always the tallest girl, next to me would be alin, i miss her...may Allah bless her soul...Entering secondary without alin was hard fer me, i've made wrong in choosing friends...well thought they were friends... the first try left me being a servant while the second one made me a wannabe... i find my true friend after PMR, that comes to my two lifetime friends butet (atira) & bila.

As i remember i was not so out going as i am today, i had some crushes at school, the first one was S, it was so childish of me, sending love letters and sending regards...but i was certainly crushed.. when he took it into extreme by bashing my postman with insulting words.. duh...boys...then it was Azril..a senior at my school, never did send any letters of such, so i wrote in my diary..but i was crushed again when my diary was compensated, by prefects& he read it! i'm still holding a grudge on prefects! a huge impact on me was another A, the first guy i went on a date with..i was in form 2, we were going well as friends, but he suddenly avoided me, not answering my calls.. thank gawd he's not from my school..

My last school crush was Amizul, he entered form 6 at my school.. but i never had a proper end to him, as Ridzal come into the picture during my vacation after SPM, my first boyfriend (first guy who likes me for me) i can't make ends because I first accepted his proposal not with love in mind as i never met him, it was just because I never had a bf before, but I screw up, I fell for him, he was 1 year younger but he likes to baby me around..on the phone of course.. as he was schooling in Aussie and I was here.. He used to call everyday, & we would talk bout stupid things that was not worth speaking. One day i found out that he has sum more gfs like me so i break it off to his refusal to come & see me. But he came, to my house on hari raya, so we sort of continued it...but it didn't last long, I broke it off again during 1st year..neglecting that he's a rich guy that drives a Mercedes SLK compressor....because i've lost my trust in him.

Opening a new chapter, how did I get here? Architecture? I never dreamt to be an architect, although my dad is one. I don't evenknow that he's an architect when i was in primary school.
I did, however fall inlove with the plans of our future home (the one i live in now) he pasted on the whiteboard during my kindergarten years, i'd imagine myself in the spaces he drew... maybe that's why i'm so space planning minded today ;) I had always been involved in sports during school day, but i was never a the great sportsman of such, passion only was not enough to be good in hockey or handball..always the goalie due to my chubbiness... Was never been too good in anything, a moderate in life, not a genius, not the popular yet not the stupid or the loser. I have this way of thinking where I can't want something so much, because I will never get it, never wanting so much left me following my fate, a statement, architecture was my 6th choice! with the main ones all related to science & language. but i have learnt to love it, loving the subjects and loving the company, no other courses would end you up with almost hundred studiomates! each unique and special to my heart. It is in architecture i discover my confidence and the path i want take in life.

It is also where i became a phobic in love, it's not the loving part, it's the guys... my first crush was a rebound case, it was not long but he still thinks i have the jitters for kot... then there was the second crush, i didn't say anything or do anything just caring like i always do to my friends, but he suddenly avoided me and tell my friends i like him & he was scared or sumthing.. that really flips me out and leave me in a 'phobia' mode for a long time. I stop showing that I like the person of such, and just silently loving them, I show my dedicatedness to my work instead, anonymously making their life easier, happier or just a brighter day. Only my closed friends would know how much I love someone. I'd be happy with only a tq smile. I'd always be consious not to show too much care because i'm afraid of loosing them as friends. I blame myself that drive them away, i'm not pleasent to look at, it might be scary if I like me, even i'd runaway. He's so pretty, it's not a crime to love someone right?

to be continued....