when the sun shines through the clouds...

Salam Aidiladha

The other day a blood donation campaign was held at the IIUM mosque, i was so excited to see it, isn't it freaky? i guess some adneralin rush would help this miserable week. I was feeling slow, low and sleepy...

Maybe that's how an addict feels during rehab? a smoker trying to quit? ?

Geez... i guees i'm a musing -addict. It has only been 7 months, but it's hard to deny it. it's like a war in my between my head & my heart.

It's in difficult times we'd feel closer to HIM, looking up and hoping for guidance and strength to stand tall. I regret for being forgetful sometimes.

Surgamu -ungu

Segala yang ada dalam hidupku

Kusadari semua milik-Mu

Kuhanya hamba-Mu yang berlumur dosa

*Tunjukan aku jalan lurusku

Tuk menggapai surga-Mu

Terangiku dalam setiap langkah hidupku

Karena kutahu Hanya Kau Tuhanku

Allahu Akbar Allah Maha Besar

Kumemuja-Mu di setiap waktu

Hanyalah pada-Mu tempatku beteduh

Memohon ridho dan ampunan-Mu

Flooding season...

I'm having a downturn, i want to slow down, i want to sleep, i want to walk slow and let time pass by, 11 credit hour- what should i do, my heart have revenge. Separating my life ain't going to be easy this semester, i'm trapped.

How would I learn from someone i dislike. It was not my intention, he brought it up to himself. I don't know how to make him stop. Although I've put up a face, he still don't get it. I've said it subtle-ly, it's not funny- he had to make it worst by asking if I was mad. Just apoint to be highlighted, for me- i'm consious and when people start to say how fat i am it does not stop with the words. I goes through because i know, i feel, and you don't have to make it worst by reminding me. I like who i am and how i am but you are ruining my life. Because I've started to believe again, that I don't like who I am. I've gone through this during highschool. Didn't thought that people in university would be as shallow. One thing is leading to another...

This is a bad beginning for a semester

I'm tired of hoping, sometimes I just need some hope

When we're in the dark, Allah grace always shines through.

flowers are beautiful...

i have to work...work..work....
It's odd not having classes all through the week.. with only 12 credit hour what shall i do?
Found myself in front of the computer in +clueless mode

I had a joy ful weekend... with nothing to worry about yet i miss the pointSIX gathering on sunday... my greatest apology to azim, fadh, Pa, hanis.. etc for my absent... due to some family matters..

I was watching Grey's Anatomy... & it was what shah said struck me... how it relates to me.. being here.. an Architecture Student? last night i was wondering what am I going to do in 2 years time? there are a list of possibility and as i see it open i'm caught in the middle within what i want to do, what i love to do and what expect me to do.

I want to finish what i've started. I want to be a professional architect. I have an obligation to fulfill this, as my dad change his plan to stop practising and settle down because of me. I'm scared. As it is a huge thing for me. My dad is already in his 60's and nothing i want more rather than he doing thing he wants to do. Yet he's struggling to maintain the company... with the financial problems our family is facing. I'm stoned. I can't do much. I love the adventure. My dad never did encourage me, even try talking me out of it. I want to finish this.

I love to cook, I love to makes things beautiful. I want to be a florist, I want to open a kindergarten, I can open a SPA (as adda says it) This is my backup, for me to settle down. If I had a choice and i'm not here. I'll be there. I've been in business since i was 7, I sold sketches for my friends to color and shiny beads i cut from a broken necklace. I still have the passion for business till now. Ain't for the money but it feels good!
+
Well... back to work for me, I'm going to FRIM with me groupmates to for research on R&D facilities for our proposed Biotechnology Complex and i'm going to Langkawi again on thursday night till monday... YEY! for the the beautiful beaches and chocolates

pink mouse *squek*squek*

Gurls day out! Love the outing with Azim & Madin, thanks gals.. really brings back the 'feel'...ain't the same without you 2~heheee... went to PC fair... bought a cooler-as planned & a cute pink mouse for my sis.. azim & madin kept diverting me so i won't stop at the booths.. as azim says it- 'i'm starting to shop for my com instead of myself....HELP!!!

Watched 'Cinta' - a heart warming story + + bring ur tissues...lucky madin brought a handful to share with azim... i'd rather let my tears flow & dry out... the movie makes us craved our own love story... Love isn't always about a guy & a gal... it's also about family and friends.

I'm confused whether i've been caring or loving... yet for me it is hard to care if the person you care for kept questioning and having doubts bout our care and feeling pity for themselves by expressing that nobody loves them.. at you, whose been caring for him.... When will he grow up?

1- So guys, please... when a gal cares for you it doesn't always mean they love you. Can't we just care?

2- When somebody seldomly says that they love you, believe- as love is not measured by how many times you say it.

3- You can't force somebody to love you because you love them. It's -stupid- because it's like asking them to cheat on you & her/himself

4- Never assume that someone you like already have a gf/bf... just asked somebody or know him or her first.... no point of losing before joining the game.

5- Life is like a book you plan the structure and it's up to you to write through... it's not a movie script that you write and follow through

gawd of death only eats apples...

result's out... weng chikidy chikidy weng..... only manage to get a B+ for design & research method... 2 B-minuses & yg tergezut dpt A for building economics...have I been lazy? maybe it's for being too sleepy for the whole sem... Or maybe lack of momentum... i miss axeem n madin :( 3.15???????

need to start coffee addicting myself again... need to work harder...need to dream less...need to spend this holiday like the world is goin to end so that start sem- no playing around....need to consider bout the part time job...need to hope less, need to ask moreee....

a good friend of mine is describing me as protective and rational.... while my mum sees me as fierce & boyish... and i'm still wondering in what sense am i protective.. somebody have a clue to help clueless me?

spend whole day at KLCC today... browsing around in kinokuniya, finally watching Deathnote *5/5 star rating from me* ... buying some birthday presents... eat....eat... eat... I'd also recommend On & Off King's Road at Gallery Petronas... I like how the artist explored various colour combination & layering techniques... though his sketches wasn't so *WAH*....

tomorrow goin to times square with cuzinsa & me bro... wanna watch happy feet and shop for pirated softwares at low yat! haaa....++ PC fair is on 30th... here I come!!

The rain makes it clear...

Spent whole day at IBS exhibition, Akademi Binaan Malaysia, Jln Chan Sow Lin... & had a short basic course for Revit... hehehe.... + dpt trial CD... Going again tomorrow (maybe)... i'm looking after the IIUM booth... Thought if would be bo-ring yet it wasn't so, informative.. just not the right venue...

I had time to think a lot during holidays... I wondered a lot... dozens of questions... if, should, would it, why did I, what was I thinking, what would happen if... most bout my life that i've put apart for the whole sem... as I load myself with work.... Bits and pieces I wanted to forget...

Today I was wondering why, going back through my memories of MRMY, I can't remember any of the bad things that happened, I was only left with the happy memories - the lovely feeling I felt. Although it is questionable whether it was true or just a 'drama'. I'm left with capture moments and it made me wondered again whether i'd feel it again someday.

I won't deny, how he cared for me made me care for myself. Maybe I just need to be reminded that I can love myself... I was fooled... I hate holidays~~~~~~~

This is me in +mode hopeless romantic so don't pay any attention to what i'm saying!

I love white orchids...

It it the holidays? I'm still digesting the reality that I have only10 days left to hybernate... minus the days to work on the project summary that MUST be submitted when sem 2 commence... EIk.. suddenly reminded -exam results- certainly would brighten my day -NOPE-

Five days in Shah Alam wasn't as sweet as i thought- left me feeling so -****- had a coincidence with he person that I hoped I wouldn't see again for the rest of my life... left me briefly enhance your knowledge of SARS - Shah Alam Relationship Sindrom.. established in 2002 after a series of relationship problems that occurs concurrently when 'communicating' with somebody that is rooted to any part of Shah Alam... (applicable to some cases only) please add if you have any experience of such. ~ long winding stories is welcome.

The purpose of being in Shah Alam- being the rappoteur for Conference & Workshop for Hospital Planning and Design- was informative and heavenly hospitable... missing the puddings n jellies... ntah hapeehapeee + lost- cannot exit from shah alam and end up driving in circle for an hour... Roundabout city- not my fault!

Yesterday, aisyah-anis & I helped with the posters for IBS conference- reach home 9am today and coma for 1/2 day... i'm still feeling guilty for not being there today -attend the booth- maybe tomorrow, yet i've promise someone that we'll watch Deathnote 2gether... then i've promise Madin to teach her Sketchup... on thursday... undecided...undecided.... what do you think?

I need to find some financial source... PTPTN certainly not helping... need to upgrade some parts of my com...need new power supply & cooler since it kept hanging when the temperature fluctuates.. wasn't a problem at studio since we're living at antartics... so adding some active control with a table fan... eik... hopeless..

Kakniha said i'm a hopeless romantic.. since she knows the story :) I've been blog surfing, and a blog entry are you or are you not a loser caught my attention (it was by mateen) Just want to state my opinion, that when you like someone and decide not to tell, it does not make you a loser. as long as you are satisfied with being able to feel. I know the feeling of being lost, every minute of the day with nothing to look forward to & I also know how it feels when you can't stop smiling and having warm flushed cheeks...

I took him as a muse ( as axemm says it) something to look forward to behind the door. Eventhough he have no idea of it and doesn't care at all. It would be wonderful to be loved back, yet life is no fairytales or hollywood movies... but i didn't say it is impossible... i've seen my frens that was at the right place and the right time... and I'm being happy for them :) you know who you are. In some cases, although been brought together by fate yet they choose not to listen, it doesn't have to be words it can also be care. coincidences are coincidences when you realized that it is, sometimes it's just daily routine when you seen it differently, bumping into your neighbour everyday isn't coincidence right?

I've seen people take the wrong choices yet there is no such thing as a wrong choice

I've seen people change yet it doesn't make you lose the old him

I've seen fate bringing two people together yet maybe it's just not the right time

I've seen two people fell apart yet we should say that they wouldn't meant for each other maybe just not for forever.

I've seen a guy loving two gals at once, many would say it can't be yet what if it is true?

I've seen people that loves themselves so much, that they make themself horrible

I've seen a guy who say he has othing yet he have everything

I've seen a happy couple and wonder when

I've seen people who's rich in knowledge yet poor in attitude

What if the person for you is the person you bump into along a sidewalk and you didn't even looked?

What if the person that would love you the most is standing right beside you at the cafe queue and you never turn your head?

I'm just writing out, the things that have been wondering in my head. It might be true, it might make sense when you read it. But there's no right or wrong.

I'm not strong, i'm stubborn, I'm not confident in myself, i'm not near perfect

If I were...

nope
1 If I were a fruit I'd be a peach
2 If I were a colour I'd be white
3 If I were an animal I'd be a kitten
4 If I were a domestic appliance I'd be an oven
5 If I were a book I'd be a black hard covered journal
6 If I were a clothing item I'd be jacket
7 If I were a jewel I'd be a diamond
8 If I were an object I'd be a pen
9 If I were a car I'd be a harrier
10 If I were an element I'd be water
11 If I were a tree I'd be cherry
12 If I were a drink I'd be milk
13 If I were an ice cream flavor I'd be vanilla
14 If I were a person I'd be me
15 If I were a planet I'd be earth
16 If I were an insect I'd be a butterfly
17 If I were public transport I'd be a LRT
18 If I were a song I'd be R&B
19 If I were a movie I'd be a fantasy
20 If I were a season I'd be Autumn
21 If I were a flower I'd be a white rose
22 If I were a job I'd be a florist
23 If I were a cartoon I'd be a lulu
24 If I were a place I'd be Bay of Naples
25 If I were a gift I'd be a ribbon
26 If I were a memory I'd be a stolen glance
27 If I were a city I'd be rome
28 If I were a sense I'd be touch
29 If I were a game I'd be the dice
30 If I were a candy I'd be toffee
31 If I were a time of the day I'd be dawn
32 If I were an invention I'd be a wheel
33 If I were a bodypart I'd be lips
34 If I were a country I'd be france
35 If I were a flavor I'd be vanilla
36 If I were a sport I'd be swimming
37 If I were a smell I'd be the rain
38 If I were a subject I'd be history
39 If I were a flag I'd be plain
40 If I were a building I'd be a bridge
41 If I were a month I'd be January
42 If I were a perfume I'd be provocative
43 If I were a gummy candy I'd be raspberry
45 If I were a toy I'd be lego
46 If I were a textile I'd be Egyptian cotton
47 If I were a shape I'd be a sphere
48 If I were an answer I'd be a noun
49 If I were a common liquorice I'd be the scent
50 If I were a word I'd be smile

HATE- dial up connection

Selamat Hari Raya Aidilfitri to all!!! I'm sorry for any of my wrongdoings or badmouthing. Raye came so suddenly, time really flies by...our 2 weeks of endless nights finishing our presentation boards for portfolio and loads of assignments... eiks... my life is sooo... dateline oriented... enough work!!! i'm now worrying bout final exams.. 2,3,7 & 14 november...duh... my notes aren't complete... shuuttt.... tensinyeee..



Raye was okay, the usual routine... Mama made nasi dagang, rendang, pulut kapit and we bought sate & lemang... went to meiaji's house in Maluri.. then come back home, Chuaji's family came by, friends of family..etc... and a Uncle Baharum's family came from JB, i fell in love with my new cousin, kak lina's daughters & son.. so cute... i've never seen her before yet when she arrive she ran to me and hug me, not wanting to let go... so cute~~~ hehe...baby hazeli was cute too :P



I've just came back from kemaman.... went back on 3rd day of raya...i miss the beach. i miss the keropok lekor. i miss my cousins... & i've got all of it back~~ yey! My cousins & I went to Chendor beach, although it was a short trip... I've fulfill my craving of sandy beach & running waves :P heee.. all my 1st gen cousins was there...cha, r-piz,nana,izzat, ami, ati... and the other anak weks... from 2nd-to 3rd gen... they even play galah panjang on the beach... I got the full dosage of original kerepoklekor! ++ bringing loads of it home.. hehee.. The journey was not as tiring as before.. 4 hour drive instead of 6 hours.. i enjoyed the ride & took loads picture of eastcoast blue sky...

Tonite I went to Nadia's open house.. gathering of schoolmates, only some was able to make in, wasn't as fun as last year but it was okay... had syima storytelling bout how wild dogs ate her cat... heheee.. & momok- the fat cat of jalan baiduri drop by to say hye...meowww~~



Actually, have got loads of thing to write yet this dial up is devastatingly tensioning..
kept disconnecting... arghh.... so maybe later i'll sip some of it here and there...
`I'm so happy'...... +salam lebaran :)

walk slow...

it's been 10 days, 4 hours of sleep a day & 16 hours a day in front of the monitor. yesterday was the final crit-"I didn't present..." so i don't know if my design have any major problems.. duh... I hope i'll be okay during portfolio... still have to work on the construction detail and services for the final submission- 16th oct.. have 6 days left to do the board... + research method, building tech & urban design assigments...

On the 4th we had a meeting with the HOD, the result is out... we got our part 1 accredited by lam.. but only for batch 2006,2007 & 2008....it doesn't appeal to me.. it's not fair! thinking on how hard our seniors strive for it during the accreditation and they didn't get part 1 or part 2. & we as the lab rats, our course outline have been change, our practical training will be during the short sem only (3 months instead of 6) & we'll be having another studio project... eik.... <>

pointsix had a small gathering on the 6th! a treat from our white collared friends! tq guys, we really appreciate it... miss ya all so much. matpa came with his new gf :) so cute- "bertambah ipar kiterang' heehee...

had a wonderful day... i guess the walk today will keep me smiling till portfolio... i think i'm such a liar, i have the tendency (spelling?) to hide my true feelings... is it a lie? is it wrong? am i sending the wrong signal allover? argh.... sangap....

konGouSeki

As an aquarian and second-born i'm as adaptive as water, i follow the flow and tend to be flexible, yet as 'intan' i tend to be in control and hard headed sumtimes... as azim always put it, perfectionist yet unrational... i like my 'liquidity' better than my strength.Sanscrit refer to the diamond as "kongouseki," an expression of its extreme strength and hardness. Diamond was recognized as the king among earth substances, invincible against anything previously known to man. In today's industrial world, diamonds retain their significance as a mineral hard and abrasion resistant beyond anything in the natural world.



I started using 'kongouseki' as a screen name after learning bout it from an old Japanese guy i met during my english course at British Council. Since then people kept asking bout it's meaning.
I've lost count of people asking 'intan je ke?' or 'intan ape?' My name is short, i like it that way, my parent don't like the hassle of writing long wondering names in forms. What's the use, almost everybody would use maximum 2 syllable to call u anyway. My sis name is only 'lili' & my bro, 'imran'- even imran ends with 'im'.... never had any problem running out of boxes to fill my name in forms :) + no excuse to forget my full name!



My nick 'in-thang' is actually driven from my name as in how terengganuans call me, my 'che'(grandma) called me in-thang. As my name is so universal- i've used it to make my life easier for logon name etc... as 'intan' is always -have been used.



i have a unique email add- the only i've been using since 2000, kitika_donoy2k, it was meant to be kittycat-don't-know-y2k- because at that time people was so into the 'y2k' thingy.... and i never change it again, i've got ton's of email add since 1997, yet none i can memorize except this stupid long email add that is so not serious -tried creating new adds yet all failed... so not suitable to be stated in my CV.... so how?



My favourite colour is purple, why? because it is fav primer color is red and blue. For me purple is flexible, it can look sweet and elegant at the same time, and goes with any color. I also like the combination of fuchsia pink and black -WOW- hehee... somebody said that i should be an image consultant, i'm not so sure bout it- i'm not 'SO' fashionable, just wear what feels right and makes you feel great! mix-match and always wear plain tudung for clothes that have more than 1 color motifs.. & for formal occasions never wear more than 2 colors- one must be black or white- (can be in diff. monotones)


It's already the 7th day of Ramadan, how time flies by, our final crit would be on the 9th of Oct, while submission of presentation boards is on 16th- and portfolio review- 18th-19th. +submission for assignements... so why do i still have time to blog? my bro's PC isn't adequate to do sketchup files.... so i'm browsing for infos to do my assignments for today, and i'm goin back to work at the studio tonight...(it's 1am now) maybe i should catch up in my sleep...my eyes is in 50% capacity already.... gudnite all~~~

Was I ever...Will I ever...

Yesterday I went to OU and IkEa with butet to do my case study for research method - Tumbletots, Starship Galactica & Smaland...It was fun while it lasted... i've got loads of work to do, for final crit on October 9th... i'm still having doubts- would I manage to complete all the requirements? Since our CGPAs start at 'o' again, i would be hard to cope. + all 4 theory papers and major assignments...


Today is the first day of Ramadan, how time fly~~~.... in two week we'll have our crit, and 4 weeks is hari raya.. and on 4th Dec we'll start for practical training~ sometimes it's scary when i think about it, but in someway i can't wait to experience it. I've sent my list... i actually don't mind where, as long as i'm goin. I let abah decide since he knows best. But did object to have my practical in BEP.. it's so far away... a bit 'malas' to drive all the way to tropicana... yet I still list it as my 2nd choice...


'the vine' - i've named my highrise, since the curved frame has sucessfully enhanced it's curves, i think i looks sexy. Although it look box-xy during the preliminary stage.. so from boxy to sexy? heeee... the wavy roof structured at the podium level looks like toad leaves... alltogether it's like a plant growing from the earth .

I came across this during my blog trailing activity and I want to share it with you :)

What does LOVE mean? ... (from kids' eyes)

ROBERT CLEMENTSA group of professional people posed this question to a group of 4 to 8 year old children:

"What does love mean?"

the answers they got were broader and deeper than anyone could have imagined.

When my grandma got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and paint her toenails anymore. So my grandpa does it for her now all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That's love. Rebecca- age 8

When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different.

You just know that your name is safe in their mouths.

Billy- age 4

Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and

they go out and smell each other.

Kari- age 5

Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French Fries without making them give you any of theirs. Chrissy- age 6

Love is what makes you smile when you're tired.

Terri- age 4

Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK.

Danny- age 7

My mommy loves me more than anybody.

You don't see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night.

Clare- age 6

Love is when mommy gives daddy the best piece of chicken.

Elaine- age 5

Love is when mommy sees daddy smelly and sweaty and

still says he is handsomer than Robert Redford.

Chris- age 7

Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day.

Mary Ann- age 4

When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you. Karen- age 7

You really shouldn't say "I LOVE YOU" unless you mean it.

But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget.

Jessica- age 8

My say:

When we grew older, we tend to think too much, and everything that we say are not as pure. Children say things honestly. I, in the other hand, scared of what people might think or do. So i'll write it here, although not as clear yet knowing that a part of it is out, i'd feel better.

Writing it here.

"Love is when the smile brightens your day, the words makes you blush and the presence fill the missing pieces"

- Intan age 22

I've found 'the' , yet i was not founded. I was never a 'the' and i've gone through moments that i feel that i will never be 'the'.... was I ever, will I ever?...

a butterfly

The rain have been pouring...

I love feeling the raindrops...looking at the gloomy sky

as if there's nothing to think about for tomorrow or the day after

I love the cold wet feet, walking through wet grass...

it's been long since i've take a moment to enjoy.

I met a purple butterfly today

I kept complementing how beautiful it is

In my surprise it flew away~~

I guess it was telling me somebody's coming.

I didn't wish so, i didn't hope so...

Maybe it is how things should be,

Just smile and walk along the path.

I'm falling for frou frou's music...

Thanks to kepep generousity

frou frou...

The Dumbing Down Of Love

Well-painted passion
You rightly suspect
Impersonation
The dumbing down of love
Jaded in anger
Love underwhelms you
No box of chocolates
Whichever way you fall

And if I tell you
Lover alone without love
What will happen
Lover alone without love
Will you listen
Lover alone without love
Without love

No no I'll get this
I want to treat you
You're still not famous
And you haven't struck it rich
Under-achieving
'Cause no-one's receiving
This tunnel vision
Is turning out all wrong

And if I tell you
Lover alone without love
What will happen
Lover alone without love
Will you listen
Lover alone without love
Without love

Music is worthless unless it can
Make a complete stranger
Break down and cry

And if I tell you
Lover alone without love
What will happen
Lover alone without love
Will you miss him
Love alone without love
Without love
Without love
Without love

Walk and walk......

The crit on friday was so-s0... still got minor changes to do and some design solution to think about, my office building looks like 'jenga' still need to figure out how it actually reflects the company...yikessss.... Didn't sleep all day, but finally fell asleep for 5 minutes on a chair, and razi took my pict- shoot... it must of looked pityful... or disasterous... i'm surely no sleeping beauty...

The week was fully occupied by my mindset that feels guilty to leave my works and have some fun... so on saturday, i had too much of quality sleep and end up with a headache....so today i enjoyed myself at low yat & times square... hed to go since i've sold off my graphic card, and bought X1300... instead of 6600 that i've been eyeing...regreting much for not looking harder for at least x1300 w/iceq..... iskk.....pasrah jela.... okla.. didn't have to add more$$$... covered by my old mobo, proc + gc.. i'm a to much thinking buyer... when i go to the pro's & con's too much i'd end up not buying..so better grab it b4 i change my mind

Pity-ing hungry + sleepy axeem as well, i've warn her to sleep early last nite... end up sleepy all day... the outing wasn't long... i considered continuing my window shopping to free my mind from sumthing... i just need to have a walk, clear it up...look up and see all the beautiful things around me, rather than being in the same routine that lingers my mind to his shadows...but end up at home, and at the same spot i was... so decided to wash my car... then i end up here.... And the shadow is back...

I miss him, yet i wish not...

Smelling lilies...

Ola~~~ what a joyous weekend! despite all the works i have to do for next friday crit, i've been time-wasting driving all over klang valley. Since my dad went to ulu slim forest to give some 4WD driving tutorials, its girl's weekend out!... heee.. & today i went food hunting with butet & adi.. I got bouquets of roses & & lilies + grad bear for as post-convo gifts- I also manage to persuade adi to buy the gorgeous black shirt for his company dinner. Try out OLDTOWN cafe in Jusco! the coffee just remind me of kopi kawe hai peng back in kemaman... it's been awhile since i've gone back, it was always awaited when my gramps was alive but now i'd feel like a stranger there..

My computer had PMS today... i guess.. so i can't do my work.. after some cleanup here & there it's getting better... might as well start working with the 3D again. Tomorrow i'm going back to campus, 3 days class free work- some people call it mid term break.. for me it's just an excuse not to have any interference to focus on my studiowork. I'm worried<>

+++ A tribute to MUTA+++
i've been whinning bout how 'sombong' Muta have been since sem 1 starts..
she wouldn't sleep in our studio like she always does
she won't come when i call
i've been seeing her less...
thought that it's because we've change studio
it was answered last week,
Muta died... i pick her up and put her in the hole we dug, under a tree..
Good bye muta...
guess she don't want us to miss her...
But Moorty, her successor is around..
Maybe i'd call her Muta jr>

I want to divert my heart calls or just put it on hold- I need work...i need work... i need work.. wait a minute... i have loads already... O.K.... let's work...da~~~

convocation!

Yay~~yesterday was our convocation day! everybody look pretty and handsome- certainly not a common seen in studio! I was anxious at first- scared if i trip & fall on my face- hee... alhamdullilah it went well throughout the ceremony :) It's been long since i've seen abah dress up in his suit, he looked handsome and matching with mama in brown. It was a wonderful moment, + bwat sewel ngan robe taking pictures on the green field infront of CAC. Though not all of our mates was there, it was fun + he was around all day.

After the photo session I went home coz we had a family dinner + a graduation cake - on the way back pitstop at my aunt's house who've just came back from Japan~` yey.. got a geisha doll for my phone & nearly fall asleep... I'm so tired and my feet is killing me~~ tak kisah le... At least i had a wonderful day, but i still wonder when .6 will reunite again? hmm...

The BBQ reunion was also succesful- though it rained heavily in the evening- really feels like old times... missing those moment terribly, the chicken & potatoes turn out great + there was bundle of food and we had time to catch up with each other. We also received a congrats cake from madam zuraini. yummy chocolate.. :)

PointSIX gathering!

There's loads of things todo + assignments + highrise +++ day dreaming,I can't believe that our convocation is this Sunday~~ yayy + scared... due to my 2 1/2 inch heels... i'm gonna be taller than usual. It seems like i'm never gonna have enough time. Tomorrow wil certainly be hectic! This catering committee will surely end up with a headache. Yikess... My short term thinking act will crack me up today- maybe... We're going to Telekom tower at 1pm... our first study trip this semester..been long since we've had any since there was no budget for studio educational visit this semester 'green eye' since the other batches have theirs..

The gathering will be held at the courtyard with layback concept 'ala-ala startlight cinema' with some shortmovie shows.. and bbq for all~~~ i hope it will go well- tons in my to-do list, early tomorrow morning we're going to 'pasar selayang' to buy chickenss... with the constrain- our convo rehersal is at 9am...i surely wouldn't want to be smelling like a chicken during rehersal. Insya-Allah everything would be ok, i've devide the works and ask favors from the girls to come early for preparations.

Axeem is generous enough to make cup cakes~ and jelly! while some of the main course have been arrange for. I really miss the hectic studio! i'd be a wonderful night~ + catch up gossips and news.. hehee..

'My Chocolate'

Life is getting better, i felt so happy that i could help him. I can't describe it, feeling like i've been having too much chocolates :) I couldn't ask for more. Smiling all day long have been most bewildered...

I'm working on the floor plans for my Digi HQ> as he put it 'malaysia own turning torso'. Certainly twisting my mind. But i'm not all tense. Life is balancing it's way to health i guess. With straightforward plans, it's the elevations that would kill. Anyway, i'm looking in different perspectives, always reminding myself that it is not wrong to make mistakes. My turning point, i'm not being a perfectionist anymore. I'll work, I'll play. I'd glance out the window once in a while and look up to the sky, take a break to smell the rain and smile at the sun.

Researching on Khiwa, Islamic City Planning for urban design subject, it's so hard to find sources in english... kept popping up with languages that i can't even recognize the alphabets. While haven't started on building economics assignment... kept falling asleep in class. i can't keep awake if i don't participate in the discussion... ekkk.... i try stop caffein-addicting myself yet it's causing these ZZZzzzzzZZzzzzzz

Drop Dead LOW

Having a low motivation day today. Been working till early morning.. then addup to the studio hours... still worrying on the structures of my soon to be rotating highrise... + envy how the guys always catchup in later design stage. In my observation & experience, the gals always work the hardest, yet still finish last. Hope to improve myself this semester, since next sem I would be doing my practical training. Have to work +++++

I'm not sure if i'm thinking to much or hoping to much, my coincidences are becoming less smile carving, thus i'm feeling stupid + hopeless. Sometimes i feel that i'm puting my self hopes to high, wishing to much, it's in my mind right now that i don't deserve it. Arghhhhh.... i feel inferior. Tired of denying, how far back i kept it on my mind it keeps popping up. Guess the situations i've gone through in the past really had an impact on me.

How does it feel? having someone smile at a glance of you? having people blush when they hear you name? have your smile makes their day better? how the presence of you makes they felt content? I consider my friends lucky, that they have people that appreciate their presence. It's not wrong to love someone, nobody can stop you. But it is always you who wanted to, because it hurts. No matter your loved knows it or not.

Dusky day

A hectic week ~~ I spend my weekend working for KAED permenant exhibition at the main entrance with shah, today we work up late to settle the final changes and plot the boards with kak zeenat. The work wasn't difficult, just 'remeh'. Finding the relevant pictures... arranging em, including the write ups.. change colour, change fonts... blabbering at the computer when it takes so long to render... bla....bla..bla...

Had our presentation for the case study last Friday, it wuz freezing... the Citibank topic just wasn't my preference, end up being commented as 'clear but you don't have to talk like a newscaster' by bro. azri... blushin.... now i've got an alternative career I guess :P This week we're a little bit relax, and i'm still clueless, sketching the image of my highrise design in my head. I ended up submitting a last minutes work on pofessional practice subject and had a day with no motivation at all...

Until it was 9.05pm & i get out of the car, when i least expected :) and the stupid me at that moment having a huge cat in my mouth, smiled in the dark and just walk pass by... my... i'm useless in this context... It's a funny feeling, so content at one moment and feeling that my meter had gone above the speed limit. 'Feeling pink' and smiling with no reason... Am i wrong, finding my motivation in the present of him?

It's so obvious, when i search he'd be no where at sight, and the moment i turn back, he'll be there. I'm trying so hard not to hope, yet i don't seem to suceed. Maybe i should forget for a while. :)

Spine Swirling

Aching spine, I can't bend, I can't drive, I have to sit up straight and this morning I can't even put on my socks... The IIUM clinic surely ain' helping... presribing me with panadols and deep heating rubs...and in 2-3 weeks if it's not ok then come again.... Feeling that it's getting worst, i hurts even when i'm standing up. Alhamdullliah I've got great friends that would lend me a hand to hold when i had to sneeze and it actually felt like i'm being stab.. I'm so dramatic... sishh....But tq ROOMIES!!! muahkz...luv u all sooo much!!

I'm upgrading my pc... new processor, new 2nd hand mobo? and dvd writer... and certainly leaving me poorer... waiting for ptptn...to sustain my life....Last nite i completed the assignment for research method, doing a study on children anthropometrics and ergonomics, hoping it would contribute to my design thesis.. It's final, i have make up my mind to do something for children... The rocky road ain't gonna change my aim and objctive, I hope...

Last nite's dream was filled with plot containing him... Am I unnconciously missing him teribbly? I felt so stupid during the Friday incident, In the situation of heart controlling over mind, I let go my lucky coincident and i end up screaming in the car due to my stupidity. Still recovering and shifting to my +neutral mode.... Hoping not to hope to much to be lucky....

WAR!!

Acne strike again~~ the ugly bumps eikss... just during picture taking session for matric card.. dap more of those compacts! Useless... Miss my dewy complexion during schooldays, to many pollutantss... When u get older it's a nightmare thinking about the lines u make when u frown too much... and the eye bags swellin... more and more looking like a panda. Eikss... like i don't have anything else to think about? Got a report to compile, UBBL to digest and improved design idea to wonder about.

Today's urban design class is cancelled, so i have the rest of the day to worry about the project... I need a printer, a swim, a moment less to worry. And my eyes kept wondering away when i'm thinking... Dum dum du bidoo... I'm restless and it's freezing in here... might as well continue my work at the studio... daa~~~~

Nostalgic Moment

Archais day wasn't as exciting as the Archais Dinnner. Just the fun of knowing the juniors & seeing them as future helpers as we say 'toyol'... Adda & I were the most seniors in the group since Lan & kak Pa'e can't make it. A big hand of applause for the enthusiastic 1st years...During the treasure hunt we were a bit reluctant to join, but we felt responsible - leaving them on their own was a bit cruel.. so we joined the whole event... The games were not associated with architecture, need more new attempts for next year. Mindnote- remind future organizer. The dinner was grand, lil' bit unexpected as we weren't considered to the theme 'black, white & red'. We can see the potential in the 2nd year now, as they were a bit invinsible during their 1st year. The multimedia was 'nostalgic' missing all the point-SIXers... Mad Pa & Katun did join the dinner, but with only 7 gals it wasn't as happening as it was. Leaving the dinner with +melancholic mode.

Yesterday Adda & I went to OU to support my friends who entered the Pam Student Design Competition, the task was to design a future PAM building & it required them to produce the basic drawings & a study model. I had a chance to browse through the exhibition featuring the works from all the Architectural schools, but the wasn't as organized as it should be as all the works are paste up at random. We also met black, yaya, azim, din and some seniors & juniors... I left OU with 'otak yang sebu'. Tina said it was luck, i wonder a lot these days... although i'm happy, let's not get too excited...+neutral mode, expect less... stop by IKEA to buy a mouse pad? just a reason to wonder around... i add up some drinking glass to replace the glasses i accidently broke at home & the spaggetti twirler that i've been looking for. Thank gawd Kepong wasn't as jammed pack as i predicted.. pitstop at home to hangkut my computer...& the roller blades & skates.Had a feast of Pulut durian- thank you to Ikha's mom... hehee... my first durian this season.. Then had a chat with tina bout otak yang sebu & felt asleep...

Work in progress

firstly, let me smile :) 'sampai telinga' +neutral mode... the week started with a feeling being squished under the wheels, but as it always does..it got better and better... i've realized that i have a studioful of good friends, but bestfriends are scarce... i have a tendency to be alone, i don't know why but in a perspective i feel more content when i walk alone. i've move to Mahallah Asiah, with tina, adda & anis as my roomates with aina, ikha, asma', shim & emon next door. it really bring back the memories in matrics PJ.

studio work~~~ sometimes you miss em' but sometimes... duhai.... a lot to do- we'll be designing a highrise office building & the group work have started.. there are 7 of us aza, bash, kepep, joe, razi, tira & I.. the studio have been set up and we've visited our proposed site, situated at the crossroad of Jalan Ampang & Jalan Tun Razak, adjecent to Tabung Haji. + refreshing our understanding of vertical transportation & HVAC system... My task for today was to go to DBKL. Going up & down, i'm so tired... the bus ride to KAED was certainly a dull one.

heart mode + i was wrong? :) i have a seat by the window. i love my workspace ... tommorow is archais taa'ruf dinner...with the theme red, white & black... what to wear?

Tensing Boredom

These few days have been keeping me occupied with the processes we have to through in order to graduate and enroll for Bachelor of Architecture..Going back and fourth to the administration & record office, finance, library, mahallah and the security office. They have taken away my matric card so I'm officially not a IIUM student since I couldn't register yet as new students.. due to the stupidity in progress, they ask us to register today yet they ask for payment that is not determine- so unorganized.the problem In IIUM, when there is any event of such, the whole office would be closed. Is it to hard to keep the front counter opened? People come from far and have to come home empty handed just because they have 'internal activities'- active sangatla AnR..closing the office just to listen to a talk on productivity or quality (isn't it ironic) . Enough with all these bureaucracy,sending me to the land of boredom

I would like to recommend a new Korean movie,'a millionaire's first love' I know the title is a bit goooeyyy lovey dovey, but it's not that dramatic..it's bout an orphaned guy who would inherit his grandfather's fortune when he turn 18 with the condition that he has to graduate from a school in his gram's village..he's snobbish brat with kewl rides & he's cute. While the girl is innocent looking but very outspoken. huhu..After weeks of searching for 'in her shoes' I finally rent the original cd from Videoezy yesterday. The fact that I like the most is it's about two sisters that have nothing in common except both of them are shoe fanatics. The elder sis, rose-have a huge collection of shoes that she buy to comfort her self. I quote 'Clothes won’t fit you when you're fat, but shoes will always fit'. I mad about shoes myself, being size 9 ½, I always had to ask what's the biggest size they offer before browsing. most shoe stores in Malaysia doesn't cater large shoes sizes, only some stores like Vinnci, Lewre, Clarks and Snowfly have em, and they are very limited- only 2-3 pairs per shop and they are frequently out of stock or just not my taste, I would have to fight for it with mak nyahs that want to wear heals..pity me ehh? When I have my chance to go to U.K or Europe one day I'd buy loads of shoes :p – I wish..

Finish reading 'Empress Orchid' a love the book as it describe the procedures of selecting the emperor's wife and the different ranks of the concubines. It also uncovers the nasty bitchy things they do to gain power in the forbidden city. There's also a map of the forbidden city in the book & a lesson on 'fan dance' in one of the chapters, heeehee..but the ending is a bit dull & predictable as empress orchid witness the fall of china. I'm also eyeing a new novel 'Geisha' written by the first non-Japanese that became a geisha. I've read memoirs of geisha & watched the movie. I think the life of geisha are fascinating, very delicate and full of art- their dance, ceremonies even the way Japanese wrap their gifts. One of my favourite documentaries is about the art of wearing the kimono. My dad went to Japan when I was 9, & I kept nagging him to buy me a kimono, instead he bought me a 'summer daily wear' I love the motif of sakura & bluebirds with the light pink background. While my sis's was blue & gold with elaborated phoenix motif. It is one of my dream to go to Japan & witness the sakura in full bloom & try on the kimono.

Tales of the heart.. I think I've been blocked..stripped from my tendency to stare..is it true? Or should I stop listening to my heart. Hoping semester would start faster, for work to occupy me...

Single Space

Yesterday i went to Cheer 06, the interschool cheerleading competition- held in bukit jalil. Getting up early for a change, it's a relief to have something todo. Some of my favourite squads are the ones from ttdi, sri bintang utara & the dynamitez from damansara jaya (azim' fav & the defending champion) but my favourite scene is when joey g danced with the pom poms... he's so cute ;) i wonder who won... i left before the end, bout 3.30pm... though of stopping by kl to take some pictures, but when i browse through from the lrt, there wasn't much photo worthy highrise...

If only i were in singapore.. there'd be much to see...anyway, i've develop a new habit... bitting my lips.. and i discovered that i like to give empty stares, i realised it when i was alone in the lrt, the person in front of me was wondering what was i looking at... i was thinking lorh... sibuk je orang nie...

My destination today is Taman Maluri, to my aunt's house with my mum... lepak-lepak... gossip...the monthly forum... anyway, today i was able to fit in my skinny pants~ yey.. skinny for my size la... at last my 1 hour cycle everyday have payed it's price... + the no rice & no heavy food after 7 policy....hope i could maintain this when semester starts... suka-suka catering just doesn't cater a healthy living... I'm craving for broccoli...but the local minimarket have run out of it... maybe i'd make myself a tuna salad instead...

Still staring at the nick... there is nothing to talk about, might as well stop staring, or i'd suffer a chronic mindshift and start blabbering unnessarity facts... owh yeah. forgot to mention, i saw ridzal's cousin at cheer 06. i'm glad he was not there. but i wished someone else was there, it was foolish of me, shouldn't wish so...

Crashing blenders

I broke my mum's blender.. the second one, was it my fault? there was no warning stating
'not suitable to blend ice cubes in this blender' the cubes crash a hole through the blender & the apple juice comes shooting out... Me and my crazy ideas... it's such a hot day, not my fault ;P
My days are getting shorter & the nights appear longer, being online is the most active activity during my holiday...i miss work, because without it i'd be reminded of how lonely i am...then i start feeling all musshy...even looking his nick all day would made me happy... i guess i've been hiding myself behind all these works all my life for me not to be lost in myself and start thinking with my heart, tears seem so easy to shed during holidays with my kitty lending it's ears to hear me weep..

I need thing to do, insya-Allah tomorrow would take my mind of myself, i'm going to Cheer 06' tomorrow with azim & afi. Been longing to go since forever, but never did have the guts to go.. for some reasons. I hate love songs! (at this moment) because i'll be lost in it any time, plus the videos pollute my mind with ideas of 'perfection' of a women being dominated by media culture! well the truth is i just hate my body. so done with it.

I just wonder how i get involved with all these femininity (spelling?) i was a tomboy for gawd sakes! i was happy, being one of the guys...but i'm now the feminine & melancholic.. I kept thinking that there are two sides of me, as my dad's son and my mum's daughter. I love getting my hands dirty, go off-roading with my dad, helping him paint the house fix the car. Yet I grown into somebody I don't know. I love people, I care for people, yet I don't love me.

In search of blue skies

blue skies & starry nights... all i need when i'm sad, when i'm mad or in melancolic mode...
shapes of the clouds would make me smile though sketching on air is not an act i'd rather be seen doing.... yet when nobody's around i'd talk to the moon & stars... longing for an answer
it's easier to ask without expecting one.. coz i know i don't really need it, just when it comes out in word you'd feel it stronger..or how much it matters... i'm so afraid, phobic at certain extend to love because i've been through so many insulting scenarios... i've never told anyone the complete story, thus this is the reason for this page, to tell the tall tale of my life...

there won't be once upon a time... or one day... in my story, it's no fairytale..just a life long experience that might be summarized as a quater of my whole life disasterous love life...yes, only my lovelife is disasterous while other than that have been still water all over. Well might be said as a small beginning? born only 2.25kg, I was small.. but feeding a not-premature baby with premature baby milk was not the right move...she would grew into a giant!

where was i? keep blabberingggg intan...duhai....at school i was always the tallest girl, next to me would be alin, i miss her...may Allah bless her soul...Entering secondary without alin was hard fer me, i've made wrong in choosing friends...well thought they were friends... the first try left me being a servant while the second one made me a wannabe... i find my true friend after PMR, that comes to my two lifetime friends butet (atira) & bila.

As i remember i was not so out going as i am today, i had some crushes at school, the first one was S, it was so childish of me, sending love letters and sending regards...but i was certainly crushed.. when he took it into extreme by bashing my postman with insulting words.. duh...boys...then it was Azril..a senior at my school, never did send any letters of such, so i wrote in my diary..but i was crushed again when my diary was compensated, by prefects& he read it! i'm still holding a grudge on prefects! a huge impact on me was another A, the first guy i went on a date with..i was in form 2, we were going well as friends, but he suddenly avoided me, not answering my calls.. thank gawd he's not from my school..

My last school crush was Amizul, he entered form 6 at my school.. but i never had a proper end to him, as Ridzal come into the picture during my vacation after SPM, my first boyfriend (first guy who likes me for me) i can't make ends because I first accepted his proposal not with love in mind as i never met him, it was just because I never had a bf before, but I screw up, I fell for him, he was 1 year younger but he likes to baby me around..on the phone of course.. as he was schooling in Aussie and I was here.. He used to call everyday, & we would talk bout stupid things that was not worth speaking. One day i found out that he has sum more gfs like me so i break it off to his refusal to come & see me. But he came, to my house on hari raya, so we sort of continued it...but it didn't last long, I broke it off again during 1st year..neglecting that he's a rich guy that drives a Mercedes SLK compressor....because i've lost my trust in him.

Opening a new chapter, how did I get here? Architecture? I never dreamt to be an architect, although my dad is one. I don't evenknow that he's an architect when i was in primary school.
I did, however fall inlove with the plans of our future home (the one i live in now) he pasted on the whiteboard during my kindergarten years, i'd imagine myself in the spaces he drew... maybe that's why i'm so space planning minded today ;) I had always been involved in sports during school day, but i was never a the great sportsman of such, passion only was not enough to be good in hockey or handball..always the goalie due to my chubbiness... Was never been too good in anything, a moderate in life, not a genius, not the popular yet not the stupid or the loser. I have this way of thinking where I can't want something so much, because I will never get it, never wanting so much left me following my fate, a statement, architecture was my 6th choice! with the main ones all related to science & language. but i have learnt to love it, loving the subjects and loving the company, no other courses would end you up with almost hundred studiomates! each unique and special to my heart. It is in architecture i discover my confidence and the path i want take in life.

It is also where i became a phobic in love, it's not the loving part, it's the guys... my first crush was a rebound case, it was not long but he still thinks i have the jitters for kot... then there was the second crush, i didn't say anything or do anything just caring like i always do to my friends, but he suddenly avoided me and tell my friends i like him & he was scared or sumthing.. that really flips me out and leave me in a 'phobia' mode for a long time. I stop showing that I like the person of such, and just silently loving them, I show my dedicatedness to my work instead, anonymously making their life easier, happier or just a brighter day. Only my closed friends would know how much I love someone. I'd be happy with only a tq smile. I'd always be consious not to show too much care because i'm afraid of loosing them as friends. I blame myself that drive them away, i'm not pleasent to look at, it might be scary if I like me, even i'd runaway. He's so pretty, it's not a crime to love someone right?

to be continued....